A True Puppet Regime

September 10, 2008

A few days ago when I was pondering Cheerios, I considered serving the fine cereal at state functions. As I cannot gut a moose, I fear that I have no route to high office where I could enact this bold idea.

But I think I’d make a fine head of state and my only shot would seem to be overthrowing a current leader and installing a puppet regime.

Like moose-gutting, leading a coup d’état is not in my skill set. Yet I have an innovative twist that I would introduce to shake up this tired endeavor.

My puppet regime would consist of puppets. Literally.

I’m not sure if I’m ready for the responsibility of having my own puppet regime and I can imagine that it won’t be all seashells and balloons, but it’s time I grew up a bit.

I’m also going to have to put a puppeteer on my payroll.

Central to making this venture work is choosing the country, one whose population is amenable to having their present government ousted. I don’t drive an SUV and my family has no ties to the petroleum industries, so oil is not a prerequisite for consideration.

I’d prefer beaches and tropical climates, so I can cross off countries like …well Iraq. Besides, they’ve already been spoken for and the upkeep seems to be a bit much.

I do like the idea of press conferences with throngs of reporters jockeying for answers from wooden figures being beamed globally on CNN and Al-Jazeera. Yeah, I suppose we already have that now…but not with actual puppets!

And imagine if my marionette myopia starts taunting other countries? Imagine the hilarity as the leaders of Iran, Israel, North Korea, or the US go cowboy loco, puffing out their chests, and reacting with threats over statements issued by a non-living figurehead with a hand up its butt.

Just when you thought global politics couldn’t get more ridiculous, think of hearing Wolf Blitzer bloviate, “President Bush, today, had these comments in response to Micronesian President Pinocchio Magellan’s decision to withhold his country’s support for a US-led invasion of [country to be named later]. Bush reiterated that ‘freedom was on the march’ and hinted that puppets make good kindling.”

Lisa Germano – Puppet

Jane Siberry – Puppet City

P.M. Dawn – The Puppet Show

Laurie Anderson – The Puppet Motel