Perhaps My Future Includes A Shot At Being Secretary Of State

October 2, 2008


In the past, I’ve considered the career path of puppet master/leader of a small, beachfront nation, this dual identity necessary as there’s no scenario in which I could be ever elected to office.

However, getting appointed Secretary Of State might be doable as I’ve been feeling quite confident over the past week or so – thanks to Sarah Palin – of my foreign policy credentials. Let’s consider Russia…

Not only have I been within sight of Russia, I have walked on Soviet soil. Yeah, the Soviet Union who was the mortal enemy of the States before Sting wondered if they loved their children and Sylvester Stallone ended the Cold War in Rocky IV.

Studying in Southeast Asia led to the opportunity for me to leave my footprint on Soviet turf. One of our professors assigned us to write a paper on Soviet/Indonesian relations. The university library had three books on the subject – two by our professor. We were being set up.

Several friends and I decided we’d go to the Soviet embassy near where we lived and get a quote on the subject from the horse’s mouth (or the horse’s mouthpiece). No one would talk, but we did make it inside the embassy and embassy soil is technically foreign soil. Boom.

I can now tell people, “Yes, I spent a bit of time behind the Iron Curtain before the fall of the Berlin Wall,” shaking my head, grimacing, and adding cryptically, “I don’t like to talk about it.”

I also had an allergist who looked, and sounded, so much like Henry Kissinger that I have long suspected it was him, fulfilling some secret dream of being an allergist. If it was him (and I’m not saying it was, but, please, feel free to spread this rumor like a bad rash), then I could also tout my foreign policy experience by osmosis.

Yes, I am claiming that the fact that I had an allergist who was the doppelganger of a man who had plenty of foreign policy experience should, obviously, speak volumes for my qualification to get appointed Secretary Of State.

Then again, being Secretary Of State would have to be a serious drag. I think I’d prefer being our ambassador to Ireland, a position for which my fondness for Guinness would be an asset.

Warren Zevon – The Envoy

Elton John – Border Song

Rush – Territories

The Blasters – Border Radio

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