How Are You Going To Keep Them Sedated In The ‘burbs Once They’ve Groped Elizabeth Perkins?

July 2, 2008

Apparently, AMC has been showing ‘80s movies on Mondays and I happened to catch Big the other night. I think it might have been Tom Hanks’ first major success, yes? For those who have never seen it, Hanks stars as Josh Baskin (or, rather the adult version), a twelve-year old who wakes up one morning twenty years older.

But what happened after he returns to his twelve-year old self at the end? I mean, he’s gone from just discovering girls to moving to the dirty city, living on his own, working for a living and hooking up with Elizabeth Perkins and back. That’s some major culture shock. Is he simply going to go back to algebra and little league?

To paraphrase the infinitely wise The Dude from The Big Lebowski, how are you going to keep them down on the farm once they’ve seen Karl Hungus? Or, in this case, how are you going to keep them sedated in the ‘burbs once they’ve groped Elizabeth Perkins?

Personally, I fear that if I was to return to junior high, having the knowledge and experience I now possess…it wouldn’t end well. I suspect I would be like Godzilla on a bender in Tokyo.

Would I make a move on Mrs. Wilson, my seventh grade teacher who introduced our class to Christopher Cross (apparently, I am contractually obligated to mention Christopher Cross in every post). Would I be more apt to game the system (knowing it, indeed, could, be gamed) Would I take up smoking at a younger age? Would I be hanging out in pool halls with the local toughs not content with the wonderfully mundane things that used to occupy my time?

I do know, had we met at thirteen, how I would have felt about Paloma at that age. I’ve seen photographs – that smile and feathered hair (at least before she discovered punk rock) – and I know that I’d have been smitten.

Of course, given what I know now, I would have probably been a bad influence.

Bikini Kill – Jigsaw Youth

Fishbone – Fight The Youth

Moonpools & Caterpillars – Colossal Youth

Polara – Scorched Youth Policy